I was startled by a picture of Andrew Lloyd Webber in yesterday’s paper. Was this the same ugly guy who created Evita, Jesus Christ Superstar and The Phantom of the Opera? Somehow, he had gotten uglier.
The skin was pulled back, the corners of the mouth pointing up to the moon, all wrapped up in a petrified smile. It gave me nightmares on elm street. Was this plastic surgery? If so, it failed. Webber is now a shoe-in as the next Phantom.
“Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!”
It must be plastic surgery, I said to myself. So I snooped around and it turns I’m not the only person who noticed this (No link provided. That site traps you and prevents you from returning to the warm bosom of Yeppo Talks). Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s face has indeed been phantomized.
Webber has joined the long list of famous peeps who’ve said no to aging.
“No, no, I will not get old and die,” they say.
I say, “Yes, yes. Die you will.”
The problem is plastic people don’t decompose as fast as real people. So how do we govern so many plastic people in the world? Do we reduce, reuse or recycle? Well, reducing is out of the question because Dr. Snips is making a killing. Don’t ever make changes if it cuts into your profits (unless it’s your face). Reusing is already happening as we have to suffer through photos – and moving pictures – of these facial disasters. But that leaves us with the same problem – far too many plastic people in a global warming world.
Recycling, then, is the only solution. This is what we do. As soon as these faux-faced folks die, we don’t bury them – we give them back to the Plastic Surgeon’s Society. The happy-go-lucky butchers at the PSS are then legally bound to recycle the plastic face parts for future Hollywood stars. Consider it part of the production budget, but at half the price.
I believe many will find this a brilliant fix to the plastic people problem. It reduces the carbon faceprint while cutting costs. But I know some won’t be completely satisfied because we’re still stuck with an ark-full of ugly peeps.