One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

The World Health Organization (WHO) says to avoid Mexico. Outbreak. Swine flu. Apparently, you’ve got to look over your shoulder or some swine will stab you in the back. Reps @ WHO, however, also say that eating pork is absolutely fine. Bacon, pork chops etc. Cook the beast well and the worst you’ll get is a clogged artery.

So how is this swine flu getting around? The virus gets passed from pig to person through the air. It’s airborne. So whatever you do, don’t sneeze on a pig. And if you hear a pig sneeze, run for the showers. And unlike mad cow disease (when the cows went nuts despite psychotherapy) and avian flu (when the birds kept flying around despite our strongest protests), in this case we cannot blame the pig. Pigs don’t carry hankies. They don’t even have sleeves. Humans have mastered the sleeve sneeze, where the sneeze germs go straight from nose to our sleeves. The germs don’t rocket out and infect unsuspecting peeps. Result: Fewer sick people, our laundry doubles.

I remember the avian flu. Watch out, overhead, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s… No one I knew got the bird flu. But then again, I’m a vegetarian and I don’t associate with anyone who eats flesh. Poor birds. Now the poor pigs. I’m sure it’s the animals getting back at us. We’ve had mad cow disease, bird flu and now the swine.

What’s going to happen when our pets get tapped? Then we got nowhere to hide. I remember a cold November, the landlord was in a cheap mood and the heating didn’t go on until November. My kitten caught a cold. One morning, the kitten bounded over to me at the sink and sneezed on my foot. That’s how I caught Feline Flu. Now, if I knew then what I know now, I would have gone to Emergency right away. Believe me, Feline flu is next. I know it. We live so close to our pets, we must be passing stuff back and forth.

After serious reflection, I declare a War on Flu. As much as I loved my cat, I think we need to kill all our domestic animals pronto before the next media pandemic hits. Feline flu, canine flu, goldfish flu… it’s just around the corner. I’ll bet you two tickets to Mexico that it happens.

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6 Responses to One Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

  1. Michael Zachary Davidson, Sales Representative says:

    Yo Yeppo. I double bet you two tickets to Mexico and a case of Corona Flu. Cousin Mike

  2. Susie Q says:

    Hey, Yeppo, Maybe you can clear something up. I hear only 22 have succumb to the Swine Flu in Mexico, the epicentre of this soon to be pandemic, but 20,000 die every year in the US along from the human flu virus. Do you think we’re targetting the wrong species? Maybe everyone can give the pig a break, between bacon and jellybeans, the poor little guys already have the short end of the stick! Susie Q

  3. Yeppo says:

    Susie Q,
    I love pigs. Especially the flat snout. Cute, cute, cute.

  4. David says:

    Dear Yeppo…If I ahhh…was intimate…I mean cuddling mind you…nothing ahhhhh… serious… maybe first base…but that’s it! With a pig… would that like, increase my chances of contracting swine flu?


  5. Yeppo says:

    Dear David,
    Studies have shown that intimacy with a pig actually reduces the chance of getting swine flu by a hundred percent. These little pork chops (including yours) need cuddles. Go love your pig, David. Round first base and make it a home run!

  6. Yeppo says:

    Yo Yeppo. I double bet you two tickets to Mexico and a case of Corona Flu. Cousin Mike

    Dear Cousin Mike,
    I’ll see your Corona Flu and raise you one veggie pork rind.

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